DIGITAL TURNTABLE SAYS:

IT'S NOT JUST THE STRINGS THAT ARE BROKEN

IF ONLY THE PAIN WOULD LEAVE

If only the pain would leave. I know it won’t, not for a long while. Pain is there to remind us of just how foolish we have been. Reconciling logic is simple; it’s far harder to fathom the truth hidden beneath anger, loss and competition. Reliving mistakes and misunderstandings reinforces the hurt well; acceptance that there was an unchosen path provides an indelible, yet avoidable sting to prolong the pain.  

In spite of this, pain is relative; one chooses its severity whilst grappling with its impact. However well this is accomplished is for the bearer’s speculation alone. Pain is a process; it will hurt - that’s what pain does - it will unpredictably hurt in ways never before imagined.

 The pain borne of guilt, loss and shame forgives the least. To be absolved is to be free from the causes of pain. Exoneration does nothing to lessen the harm endured; only time can do this. Forgiveness should enable us to soothe the hurt, but it doesn’t, rather, we question the generosity of those who forgive, and ask why they do.

If only the pain was absent - it would mean you were too. 

I COULDN'T FEEL, SO I TRIED TO TOUCH

The situation with Dom and I remained as odd as ever until the reluctant pragmatist in me became fed up with the uncertainty, ambiguity and a seemingly never ending source of unhappiness. The thinking space provided by wandering in the Valencian Mountains gave me no real option other than to accept it was over. The theory was to make recovery from each other simple by leaving no trace of myself, or us, or our history. No triggers. No memories. Like Joel Barish desperate to bask in the 'Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind', if I can't be with Dom, then he's not going to be left with any part of me. At all. 

All souvenirs and mementoes of shared moments stored away. Any images of me or us in any format, gone. All of my music removed leaving no chance of our relationship's soundtrack being heard again. Any electronic devices storing anything related to us now either removed or had their memories wiped. Spotless. And Mindless. 

Observing what is now 'his' home I no longer feel welcome within its walls. It's all him, no longer us, nothing of me. I have no right to be there. An unwelcome stranger. 

I said my goodbyes to Dom. I said I don't think we'll ever be a part of each other lives again. I don't think we will. 

Hallelujah! 

DIGITAL TURNTABLE SAYS:

DOM, THIS ONE'S FOR YOU

(OOH, BITTER!!) 

SLAG-O-METER

DATE / TIME 

11.30pm - ish, 31st March 2009 - 1st April 2009

NAME (REAL) 

Robert

WEB NAME 

No idea - met in The New Penny, Leeds. (I'd just like to say beautiful flowers grow from dirt, shameful though) 

PHYSIQUE 

38, 5ft 10", cropped brown hair, 8-9 inch thick uncut cock, Great physique, toned, sexy, manly. Lovely face, good beard, nice eyes - couldn't tell you what colour they are though.  

PERFORMANCE

Considering how pissed we were, not bad, a good hour of unprotected every kind of action - nothing geeky, freaky or odd - just a right good pissed up shag. Nice. 

INTERESTING FACT 

Did it all again in the morning, I wanted to stay, he wanted me to stay, but I couldn't. He walked me to the bus stop which began the longest walk of shame home ever - including trains, buses, a motorbike and walking - worth it though, fucking FIT!

WILL SEE AGAIN? 

Definitely. Looks like a taller, fitter, bigger cocked Dom, without the hair. Same eyes though. And he has no where near finished doing what he could with that thing between his legs.  

IPOD SHUFFLE PREDICTOR

Now, this is a similar idea to one an old friend of mine, Charlie - a part time drag queen called Malice, had. The purpose of this random CD track selector was to predict his day and forecast the future. Where as I am using Ipod Shuffle from my uploaded tunes, Charlie limited his options to the tunes of Cher and his CD player. No wonder he was always trying to turn back time in one form or another, be it regret, excessive moisturiser or surgery. I never understood what meaning 'Walking in Memphis' had, especially when he was in drag. Great idea though. 

I kind of like the indulgence of silliness that believing your music forecasts your future, and, depending on your interpretation the ipods perspicacious assessment of mood can be scarily accurate. A bit like horoscopes; it also has moments of utter comedy although it can be dangerous as sometimes I really want to believe. 

I guess I need something to fill the void, and music understands. 

Random, Shuffle, Move on...

SLAG-O-METER

DATE / TIME 

8.30pm, 29th March 2009

NAME (REAL) 

unknown

WEB NAME 

Yarkos_

PHYSIQUE 

28, 5ft 9", Short blond hair, 6 inch uncut cock - nice shape for sucking deepthroat, very slim. 

PERFORMANCE

A not unpleasant fifteen minutes of protected anal, a tight hole that gave up the tension easily once I was in. 

INTERESTING FACT 

Polish guy, been in the UK for 3 years. Likes Yorkshire accents. Has numerous profiles on numerous web-sites stating varying sexual preferences. 

WILL SEE AGAIN? 

Would like to enter him again, text me with 5 minutes of leaving to request a repeat, said I was 'hot'.